366 Days of Broken Beauty

Dear Sean,

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:12:24 -0400

Goddamnit, I’m so in love with you. And it scares me to death.

January 9, 2013

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 06:00:00 -0500

The past few weeks have seemed so surreal. Well, for the most part. In the parts concerning Sean.❤ It started with a “date.” not a straight-up date; no, a “date.” It was December 17(?), the day of the orchestra concert. He took me out for ice cream at the little restaurant at Ballast Point Park, and we walked down the pier and talked. Of course, everyone gave us a hard time about it, but I just thought, whatever. Then, we started texting all day, everyday during winter break. I got to know him - past the silly Sean that everyone sees and knows, to the serious Sean that few ever see. He was able to confide in me, and I in him. We talked about anything and everything, from past relationships to future plans to favorite activities. We talked - and flirted - easily. Yes, we flirted. And we decided we would fake date to screw with everyone since they gave us a hard time about the date. He told me I could end it whenever I felt uncomfortable, and I told him that would only happen if I started liking him. My mistake. Kinda. Well, as one can guess, I started liking him. At first it was a small crush, so I thought I could handle the fake dating thing. December 28-December 29, early morning. We were talking late at night/early in the morning and kinda flirting and complimenting each other, and he thanked me for being me. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, so I asked for his help and he went on and on and on, and with that, I fell a little more into like with him. Okay, a lot. Enough that I know my heart would mix and not be able to distinguish between reality and imagination. So I told Sean I couldn’t do the fake dating thing anymore. He asked why, and I said I just couldn’t, and he dragged it out of me. I told him I like him, but it was obvious that I was upset, and I said at the end, “There. I hope you’re happy.” To my surprise, however, he said he liked me too. Since before our little date, even.<3 So now we flirt on a regular basis and hug a lot and asdfghjkl, this kid.<3

Today, he had a surprise for me. A rose. Omg. I love it. It started wilting during the day, but regardless, it’s beautiful and I can’t believe he got it for me. Apparently, he brought home a whole bouquet of roses yesterday morning, so his family now knows how he feels about me. He was gonna give me the whole bouquet, but he didn’t want to embarrass me. He knows me so well.(:

In other news, we moved the 4KIDS clothes closet. Tiring, tiring work.

December 9, 2012

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 16:25:07 -0500

I wish I knew what I was going to do with my life.

I mean, for a while, I was hell-bent on majoring in Social Work. But my parents never really supported me in that endeavor, and that lack of support waned my desire to go into that field. They urge me to be a doctor or surgeon or engineer or architect, and those are all great things, but I already know that those are things I don’t want to go into. I don’t have interest in them. Not now.

But honestly, I can’t see myself doing much of anything except helping people. You know how much I’d love to do that my whole life? I’d love to.

I suppose I’ll change eventually. I’ll find new passions; passions that can make me a lot of money when focused on a career. But I don’t really care about the money. What’s the point of money when you hate your life or your job, aren’t happy with your accomplishments, and find yourself barely living through each day, merely existing?

I don’t want to be another person who goes home and cries herself to sleep because she took a job simply for the pay, but the people, conditions, passions and talents centered on, just aren’t for her.

I want to be able to go home to my family with a smile on my face, and regale them with stories of my great day at work, and have time to raise a family, for that matter.

I don’t know anymore.

And while I’m at it, I wish I had a boyfriend.

I want a guy who’ll support me in my decisions and encourage me. A guy who is protective and slightly jealous (that shows he cares) but doesn’t stifle me, and lets me be myself. A guy who calls me beautiful, and loves me for me. A guy who can make me laugh until I cry, and is my shoulder to lean on when those aren’t happy tears. A guy who pushes me to do my best, and knows I can do better. A guy who doesn’t judge my past, but lives in the present with me and looks forward to our future. He can’t be ashamed of me, but instead, he proudly shows me off to all his friends. A guy who knows when to be serious, and when to be fun. A guy who’s not so infatuated with me that he thinks I’m perfect, but knows my flaws and imperfections and accepts them and thinks they’re beautiful. Someone who’s extremely friendly and kind. Someone loyal. Someone responsible. A guy who’s afraid to lose me. Who respects my standards and prevents me from breaking them. Who never lies to me. He must be a musician. And a guy who likes living healthily. He can’t be fat because that shows he doesn’t know how to take care of himself. I want him to be Asian (Filipino, preferably), with black hair and tan skin and bright, kind eyes, and a lopsided smile and hopefully dimples. And he should be muscular, too! And know how to take care of himself and his appearance.

Yeah. Too bad he doesn’t exist.

November 26, 2012

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 23:34:50 -0500

I don’t know who I am anymore.

What I’m doing.

Where I’m going in life.

What I believe.

What I want.

What I need.

How I’ll succeed.

If I CAN succeed.

Who to trust.

Who to hate.

Who to be.

I’m so lost.

I’ve never been so confused.

And it’s not the depressed confusion of utter cluelessness.

No, it’s just the “What am I even doing?” cluelessness.

The “I want to give up because I’m confused” cluelessness.

Because I don’t see the point of going on if I don’t have purpose.

And yet, I must have purpose.

Why else would I be here?

But why do I have no idea, whatsoever?

I’m so lost.

So confused.

I just want to figure myself out, at the very least.

Someday.

Dear Rebecca

Sat, 20 Oct 2012 22:59:07 -0400

I… I don’t even know where to start.

You are the most amazing person I know.

You are such an inspiration to me.

In all honesty, you’re my hero.

I love your sense of humor and your laugh.

I love your kindness, support, and encouragement for me, whether it be in choosing a career, using my gifts, dealing with parents, or simply being happy with myself.

I love your confidence.

I love your voice omg. You should be a professional singer, without a doubt.

I love how you’re so full of life all the time.

I love your willingness to help out in every way possible.

I love the fact that you challenge the church and it’s lack of involvement in the community, as well as some of its practices.

I love how you understand me.

And most of all, I love your heart. You have such a heart to serve, and it’s beautiful.

You’re beautiful, in every way. I wish I could be like you.

But now you’re leaving us, in three months.

I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.

You’ve been so much more than just a teacher, and more than just a youth pastor.

You’ve been a mentor, someone who will advise me in whatever I’m going through.

You’ve been support, encouraging me in everything I do even when everyone else scoffs or tries to change my mind

You’ve been my friend, always ready to listen to me rant or talk about teenage problems as trivial as whatever guy I like at the moment.

You’ve been amazing, Rebecca.

I’m going to miss you so much when you leave.

But, I’m glad that you’ve found love.

I’m so happy for you, that you’ve found someone.

You deserve only the best, and if you truly believe he’s the best for you, then I’m happy for the both of you.

May God bless your marriage and your lives together.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Please don’t forget me.

~Allison

P.S. Holla at us if Mike doesn’t treat you right. He’ll have scores of people after his sorry little behind.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Sat, 20 Oct 2012 18:36:36 -0400

Rebecca’s bridal shower was today. Asdfghjkl I can’t believe she’s leaving. What am I gonna do without her? </3

But hm. Today, I was considering my “relationship” with Chase. And looking back at it… All it was, was a self-esteem booster. I “fell” so easily for him because he made me feel like I was special. I held onto him even when we fought and even when I hated him the last few months because I didn’t want to feel worthless and it felt good having the guy everyone liked. I wanted to know that someone thought I was attractive or whatever nonsense he made me believe. I mean, that’s why I started hating him during the summer. Because that’s when my self-esteem shot up and I realized I deserved better than him. But I really had no reason to end it, so I kinda went along with it. And I was so “heartbroken” when we ended because I felt worthless. I didn’t care about Chase. Oh heckkk no. It was all me.

But then… I look at how I want things to be between Joe and me. I’ve like this kid three times. Three times. And… I just want to be around him. I mean, sure, he makes me feel special and beautiful and all that, but I don’t need him for that. I mean, I’m pretty self-assured nowadays. But… I just like being with him. He’s so sweet and kind and I wouldn’t even be ashamed of being with him. I dunno. I wish he liked me omg.

Dear Girl in the Mirror

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 21:00:00 -0400

You don’t define me.

You may not be the person I want to see.

There may be days when I don’t recognize you;

Days that your eyes are red from crying;

Days you look a little larger than what I’d like.

But you know what?

I am who I am.

I am not a Barbie doll.

I have flaws.

I am a normal teenage girl.

My hair gets messy;

I get acne;

My eyes have dark bags under them;

My cheeks get puffy;

And I’m not a size zero.

But I am beautiful.

See?

I can smile, flaws and all.

I can be happy with myself no matter what.

You don’t define me.

Dear Me,

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 19:46:00 -0400

You’re beautiful.

Don’t let yourself be defined by the girl in the mirror. The numbers on a scale. Or the voices of society.

No matter what, look in the mirror and tell yourself, “Damn, I’m beautiful.”

Don’t focus on what makes you flawed. Focus on how those flaws make you beautiful.

Never forget to live, laugh, and love.

Live your life to the fullest. Have no regrets, because very mistake is a learning experience. Don’t be afraid to take risks.

Laugh with people around you. Let joy, not depression, define your life. Laugh in the face of danger that thinks it can frighten you, and of society that thinks it can define you.

Love yourself. Love the people around you, whether they love you or not. Love your life. Love the little things.

Don’t cry because you’re different. Your uniqueness is what defines you and sets you apart.

Be proud of yourself.

Be proud of the person you have been. Be proud of the person you are now. And be proud of the person you will become.

Remember, life’s only as good as you make it. So make it great. Make it count.

Mother,

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 18:09:15 -0400

I’m begging you.

Please accept me for who I am.

Not what I study.

Not what I become.

But who I am.

Let me do something I’d be happy doing.

I don’t care if being a social worker won’t make much money.

I just want to love my life, and my job.

Stop telling me to “seek God.”

That’s all you’ve ever told me.

I already know that answer.

But please, support me.

Encourage me.

Let me find my way.

And maybe one day, I’ll make you proud.

Dear Joseph,

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 17:52:26 -0400

~~I kinda, sorta, maybe just a little, maybe a little more than that, maybe a whole lot, have a tiny, maybe a little bigger, maybe a huge crush on you.~~

~~And I’m okay with that.~~ I’m trying to be okay with that.

Thank you for being amazing.

I just wish I knew how you felt.

Because last night… There were moments.

Moments I thought maybe you liked the girl you saw, a little more than just a friend.

Moments you held me tightly and I wanted you to never let me go.

Moments you looked into my eyes and made my heart beat a mile a minute.

Moments I wanted to take your hand and dance that freaking slow dance with you to whatever music was playing, just to have you hold me.

Moments you made me feel like I was the only girl that mattered to you.

Moments when I urged you to go dance and have fun, but you said you were having fun being with me. Did you see the pleading in my eyes, not to leave me? Did you hear my silent cries to stay?

Moments you told me I looked beautiful, and I believed you, and you made me feel like the most beautiful person on this earth.

But, alas.

I’m probably just a friend to you.

~~And I’m okay with that.~~

You deserve better than me, anyway.

You’re amazing, though.

That will never change.

Allison

To Chase Radigan:

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 23:25:49 -0400

You’re not worthy to have Angel as a date to homecoming. ‘nough said.

366 Days of Broken Beauty: Dear Angel,

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 23:22:20 -0400

366 Days of Broken Beauty: Dear Angel,:

x3angelnguyen:

366daysofbb:

I freaking love you. Okay? So much.
First of all, you’re gorgeous. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, ever. Seriously. Slap that person in the face and let the whole world know you’re gorgeous. You know, for the blind people out there.
On a serious note (not that the prior paragraph wasn’t…

Omg, I didn’t read this until today. Oops. Thanks, Allison. <3 I love you.~

Anytime, Angel. I love you too, you gorgeous human being. ❤ why are you so perfect?

Dear Angel,

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 00:26:38 -0400

I freaking love you. Okay? So much.
First of all, you’re gorgeous. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, ever. Seriously. Slap that person in the face and let the whole world know you’re gorgeous. You know, for the blind people out there.
On a serious note (not that the prior paragraph wasn’t serious), Angel, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I tell you 95-99% of the crap in my life and you deal with it pretty amazingly lol. I have no idea how I managed to get an amazing friend like you, but I’m so thankful for you, and I’m never letting you go. ❤
Thank you for always being there for me. You were the only one to warn me about Chase. Everyone else was kinda urging me to give the relationship a try, but you were the solid one, the one telling me to be careful. I didn’t listen to you, and I regret that, but thank you for being there for me. For always letting me rant to you about whatever problems. You’ve always been someone I can trust, because even if you don’t know exactly what to say or do, you listen to me and that’s all I could ever ask for.
You’re adorable. May I just interject that? You’re freaking adorable and I love you even more for it (if that’s even possible).
So, you’re stuck with me. For life. Because I’m not going to lose a friend like you to college, career, life in general. Be prepared. c;
I love you Angel. You are a beautiful person with a fantastic sense of humor, spectacular intelligence, and a friendly aura about you that makes people love you in a second. And to top it all of, you’re a fabulous friend. ❤ I love you!

~Allison

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 00:16:01 -0400

Today was crappy. Well, one part.
Chase asked Angel to homecoming. Kinda. He said something along the lines of, “You should go to homecoming with me.”
The audacity of that boy. She’s my freaking best friend, and they don’t even talk that much.
Ugh. Whatever.
I give up on people.
And my mother doesn’t want me going to homecoming. Ughh.

So, I’m thinking about altering my project just a bit. Letters to the people in my life, as an add-on to the journal entries.
Only Angel will ever read them LOL.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sun, 23 Sep 2012 17:44:44 -0400

I seriously need to keep this up a little better.

But then again, why should I?

Do I really wanna look back at my depressed self?

Because that’s all I am.

Depressed.

Fat.

Ugly.

Worthless.

They’re all I’ve ever known.

And yes, there are days when I feel pretty or a little skinnier than usual, but those are far and few between.

Today was just a harsh reminder of that fact when the Stricklands, Youngs, and MacDonalds came to the picnic thing.

They’re all freaking gorgeous and thin.

Then there’s just me.

Fat.

Ugly.

Worthless.

Yay.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 23:15:44 -0400

9/11. Moment of silence.
———————
Okay then. Well, today has been great. Minimal homework, 95 on Calc 2.3-2.4 quiz, 19/20 on French composition, 98 on French verbs test, and most of all… Wait for it…

I talked to Joe today! 💚 we had a nice 20, 25ish minute conversation. c: I miss him… :c

Yeh, that’s about it. xD

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 23:22:49 -0400

I wish I kept up with this better. :/
Hm. Since the last time I posted, here’s a summary of my life:
-think I forgot to mention my permit last time. Well, got my permit. \m/
-Angel is now in Ms. Elea’s 13 Research… Between her, Hannah, Gia, Bruce, and Ravi, I’m never gonna get anything done…
-Christopher got a 3 on the AP exam. And poison ivy. Karma for not telling me right away.
-Our bus system is screwed up. Omg.
-for the Royal Rangers/M-Pact banquet, Rebecca gave us key necklaces to remind us that there is greatness inside us and God is the key to our dreams.
-Labor Day, went to Hannah’s house and did homework. Last Friday… August 31? Josue and Gina and I were on the bus and this annoying freshman talked to us… Omg it was horrible haha.
-divorced Donald because he was cheating on me LOL.
-OH MY GOSH I saw his sketch for me and it’s AMAZING. It’s Rapunzel playing piano. Omg I love him.
-started talking to Jessica again.
-Gia likes Hyun Soo again…
-new laptop! It has semi-permanence in my room.
-B on a Calculus quiz and a not so good grade on my French quiz. T.T
-Mike is so attractive. Just putting that out there aha.
-don’t sit next to Chris or Ravi at lunch anymore. I only moved a few seats down, but now I sit with Josue, Hyun Soo, and Alex.
-changing my behavior and the way I speak is hard when hanging out with the aforesaid people.
-Josh Gross texted me Thursday! He just started school Tuesday. Three weeks after us. -____- he hasn’t made very many friends. He’s taking Pre-Calculus and a lot of IB courses even though he’s not IB.
Okay. Now today!
Volunteered at Shimberg Gardens with TNC YC. Josue managed to make it, but Gina forgot. xD
I was in Louise’s group and we just pruned roses. Easiest two hours of community service in my life.
OH MY GOSH I FORGOT TO SAY. Yesterday on the bus, Gina found a yellow pin with a mustache that said “Free Rides.” Josue took it and pinned it to the crotch of his pants. OMG I could not stop laughing hahahahahahaha. And then he forgot his shirt on the bus LOL.
Anyway. Louise kept bringing up Hyun Soo. She thinks I like him or something. On the contrary, I think SHE likes him. :o
Uhmm. TV when I got home HA. I figured I would cherish it while procrastinating.
I have to play at nursing home tomorrow… Sijshqirbgic.
Life is good, doe. Real good.

August 23, 2012

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 00:18:16 -0400

Fees. It’s been over two months since my last post.
Well. School started two days ago, and it’s sucked. I had a freaking breakdown yesterday from stress. I can not believe I’m a junior. In IB. Oh gosh.
So, at lunch I’m surrounded by guys. As usual aha. But Bruce, Alex, Josue, and Hyun Soo joined our table. Omg. They’re constantly teasing me about black docks and crap because I accidentally mentioned my husband. It’s pretty funny, but it gets annoying.
Uhm, summary of summer:
-Faith Cafe
-guitar
-TV
-homework
-Instagram
-4 on AP Euro exam!
And that’s about it.
Christopher still won’t tell me his AP score. -_____-

June 19, 2012

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 01:03:57 -0400

I wanna try Arnis/Kali (Filipino martial arts - includes training with blades, rattan sticks/bo staffs, and empty handed). At Buk Buk Dojo. If they offer it. Those instructors are hawttttt. ;* of not Kali, then Muay Thai (Thai boxing). Just, something different. and preferably cultural.
Ate a lot today lol… But also drank a lot of water.
Working in a Skillet medley. Putting that guitar to use. :3
That’s about it lol…

June 18, 2012

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 00:40:09 -0400

Today was fun.(:
Revival of the butterfly garden! :D two almost nonstop hours of weeding for this chick. But, I’m the type who’ll dig in for the roots, even if they’re, I dunno, in sidewalk cracks is against walls. So my hands are sore. Add that to the fact that those lovely ants attacked my hands, and my hands hurt and itch like crazy.
Ate a lot today. :/ but my arms are more toned! It’s just, my stomach and face are fat as ever…
Finished Kitchen. That was… Confusing. It makes A Summer Life look good.
Read through some of the driver’s handbook, as well, and took some practice tests.
Played cards with the siblings.
Omg Madea’s Witness Protection looks flipping hilarious! I was cracking up the whole preview. And it comes out June 29!